Sometimes at this time of the year, we aren’t okay. And that’s okay.

This time of year is one of joy. But sometimes it isn’t.

This time of year, sometimes people feel grief more keenly than usual. Sometimes, people having felt alone, realize how un-alone they actually are. And sometimes, people having felt surrounded, now realize how alone they really are. Sometimes, people have a million Christmas cards slapped on the fridge. Sometimes, people don’t have enough food to eat. During the day, people can have smiles on their faces, while at night they’re secretly crying themselves to sleep. And sometimes, they mean all of it, the smiles, the tears…all of it.

And that’s okay.

I mean, just because Santa is coming doesn’t mean that all of our problems suddenly go away. And sometimes the very fact that we are supposed to be happy, makes us realize how unhappy we are. I don’t know.

I love this holiday season. I look forward to seeing all of my relatives and all of my brothers (because I don’t see them often). I’ve made presents and learned to knit in order to make more presents (I know, I know. Me, knitting. Weird.). I’m planning a Christmas party for my immediate family. I’m shopping for people and planning every minute detail of how their gifts will be put together, down to the favorite color of wrapping paper, to favorite kinds of chocolate. And I love every second of it. I am so excited to give presents this year. And I know how blessed I am. And I feel it.

Yet, at the same time…there’s a part of me, a part of me that I really only reveal, truly, to my husband. And that part of me is grieving. That part of me is sad. And while my smiles are genuine, so are my tears.

I guess at this point I could bust out some cliche maxim about how we should look on the positive side and we should will ourselves through any type of negative emotion we might feel. I mean, it is the Christmas season. The happiest time of the year, as the song goes.

But I’m not going to do that. In fact, I’m going to do the exact opposite of that. Because sometimes…Sometimes we need to let ourselves experience emotions. Sometimes, we need to stop making ourselves trudge through and pretend we are okay when we aren’t. When we aren’t at all.

Yet, on the other hand, I’m not going to ask those people feeling joy to temper that joy for the sake of someone else’s grief. We don’t all need to be sad. It’s okay to be happy, even when we know someone else who isn’t. And I know, especially for us women, that can be hard.

Instead, I want to encourage you, wherever you are on the spectrum, to feel whatever it is that you are feeling. Don’t pretend that you aren’t grieving, if you are. Allow yourself the freedom to be sad. But also, don’t hold back your joy because someone you know is unhappy or because you’re just accustomed to holding back. Don’t hold back joy. Come on, people.

Whatever it is that you are feeling, feel it. It’s okay.

Smile big. Let yourself cry. Mean all of it.

Here’s one of the things I love about kids:

I don’t know about any of you other moms out there, but there are days (like today!) where I catch myself snapping at my kids or even, cringe, rolling my eyes when I get annoyed about something.

Certain things did not go my way today. So, I got disappointed. And apparently when Kellie’s disappointed she gets irritated quickly. Then throw in your little boy knocking your daughter over and then running away from said toddler at the speed of light…well, there may or may not have been shouting. (Of course, part of that volume was because my toddler was screaming at the tippy-top of her lungs, for like a really long time.)

And I wish I could say that this was a one time thing, that my voice never rises during the week when my children are running through the house screaming like banshees. But I can’t, because it does.

Honestly, though, one of the things that I’m so grateful for is that kids are so darned forgiving. We don’t ask for their forgiveness, but they give it. They’ve moved on and they’re all cool with us like two minutes after we yelled at them about throwing their socks all over the house.

This may or may not happen every other day at my house.

In the not so distant past, my first grader has said to me, right after I’m nagging him to pick UP! RIGHT NOW! FOR THE TENTH TIME!, “You’re the best mommy ever.” And he says stuff like that all the time.

I feel like I stare at him for a moment too long with a look that says, “What? Are we thinking about the same mom here?” And then I actually say, “Aw, thanks, sweetie.”

Because the truth is that there are days when I’m driving in the car, back of my head leaned against my seat, praying that God will just help me to be a better mom.

I mean, think about this. I’m a clinical counseling student. Someday, I will be a clinical counselor, and (knock on wood) credentialed to give counseling to people. And I sometimes think to myself, Oh, God, what if my children need therapy later on in life because I was such a naggy, crazy mom? 

The awful irony.

My gosh, I’d have to refer my own children out for therapy because of an obvious conflict of interest.

I digress.

My point is that I think God makes children so darn forgiving on purpose. I think that He kind of knows that we’re going to screw up. Because, you know, that’s what people do.

But I think there’s another caveat to our children being so forgiving. I really think that, that forgiveness convicts us. I know it does me.

Today on the drive over to Grandma’s house, I did ask my son for forgiveness for shouting at him earlier. He told me that I didn’t need to apologize because he knew he’d messed up. (There’s that forgiveness! And taking responsibility? What?!) But I came back and I said, that, yes, of course I need to apologize. Because just because someone else makes a mistake does not give me the right to make a mistake back.

Parenting and children bring out probably the worst, but also the best (a lot like marriage, just saying’) in us. There are so many things that I’m grateful for when it comes to my children. But one of the things that I’m grateful for today, is my son’s ability to completely forgive me before I even ask.

 

What is something that your children do that you are thankful for? Let me know in the comments below! 

And if you like my blog go ahead and subscribe so you can get an email each time I post something new! 🙂

(PPS: I got the adorable image ^ from love.catchsmile.com)

 

 

 

Here’s one thing my husband and I have been working on this week that is improving our marriage:

So, a long time ago, back when I was a teenager, I got married.

Dun-Dun-Dun!

And, being 19 years old, I was pretty positive, no, I was 100-precent positive, that I knew everything.

……yeah.

That went over well with my new husband who happened to have different perspectives on just about everything.

Let’s fast forward two kids and eight years later (because, don’t worry, I’ll be posting about the other crazy, vulnerable, desperate scenarios later on in this blog as well). My husband and I are still very different. We’re a multiple-heritage couple. We were born in different countries, into dissimilar cultures, and our first languages are obviously not the same. We have varying religious backgrounds (although we are both Christians now). When we were first married I was highly conservative and he was probably a moderate-liberal. And while all of these differences can be beautiful, they can also be the root of some misunderstandings. Then to top all that off, he’s a man and I’m a woman. Let’s face it, those facts alone can cause all sorts of chaos.

Moving on.

So, we decided to keep working on our communication.

This week we started reading this nifty article on familylife.com: you can click here to see it. It outlines five different ways that you can communicate that’ll help save your marriage. Now, while I’m pretty positive that we didn’t even get through the first item on the list, the first paragraph alone got a great conversation going between us.

Have you ever noticed how you might say something like, “Wow, the trash can stinks today!” And your spouse actually hears, “Why haven’t you taken the trash out yet? You must be really lazy!” And then your spouse isn’t responding to what you said, but to what they heard. Then all of their emotions are tied up in what they heard you say (but you didn’t actually say)? Suddenly there’s all this tension, and one, or both, of you isn’t even sure what’s happening?

Well, if you’ve never experienced those kinds of communication errors and misreads, then you are one lucky cookie (and so is your spouse!). But if you’re like 90-percent of the rest of us, you have experienced this at some point.

And it’s this type of miscommunication that gets us into trouble. If you, or your spouse, keeps hearing things that the other isn’t actually saying, your relationship will very quickly be saturated with frustration, anger, and resentment.

So, a simple solution to this specific type of miscommunication is to ask, lovingly and not in a high-pitched screech, what exactly your spouse meant. Or you can even tell them the truth. “Hey, honey, when you mention the mountain of dishes in the sink, I hear you telling me that I’m lazy. Am I creating a completely false narrative in my head?” And likely your spouse will say, “What? Yes, you are. But maybe you need a therapist, because you might have a paranoia issue.”

Just kidding.

Very likely, your spouse won’t have a clue as to what you’re talking about. Or perhaps they will say, “Actually, babe, I was hoping maybe you could help with the dishes today.” Either way, that false narrative that you’ve had in your head is now debunked and those negative emotions that could’ve festered, now no longer have any power over you.

Do you see how quickly a false narrative can seep into a marriage, or any relationship really, and create these little fissures that can absolutely break a relationship down? That’s why it is so important to out them. To out these false narratives and stop them right in their tracks.

So, when you start to hear your spouse saying something they aren’t:

• First, realize what you’re doing (because, let’s face it, sometimes we don’t realize what we are doing).
• Second, if you think there might be any validity to the narrative in your head, ask your spouse to confirm or disavow it (if you realize right off the bat that there is no validity, let it go).
• Third, be gracious…because we all need grace, all the time.

Have you ever experienced this type of miscommunication in your marriage or other relationships? Let me know in the comments below 🙂

The misfits

I quit my job this week.

It was incredibly bittersweet. As challenging as this semester was, or has been, for me, I was sad to say goodbye.

I teach GED classes, or, rather, I taught GED classes. (Because my last day was Thursday, wasn’t it?) My students are often times the people with chips on their shoulders, who are sometimes too loud or too quiet, who have completely different perspectives than mine. They ride the bus. They live in the projects. Sometimes they have holes in their clothes. Sometimes they have missing teeth. Sometimes they are old and sometimes they are young. Sometimes I have no idea why they are in my class because they seem far too advanced. Often times they have learning disabilities that have either been diagnosed, or not, but never properly managed and they never have their corroborating paperwork. Some of them are sweet. Some of them are not. They often had babies in high school. Or they fought and, consequently, were suspended or expelled. Or they had family issues so severe and inescapable that they had to drop out of high school. Whatever the reason, they each had a story and they were in my class.

My class.

And as challenging as they could be to work with, I had a hard time walking away from them.

Why?

Because someone told me recently, and I think I already knew, that they have already had people walk away from them. They’ve had so many people give up on them. And now I’m just one more person walking away.

I’ve had some time to process that and work through it. But regardless, it does, at times ring a little true.

It comforts me to know a few things though, because I can’t be everything to everyone. That’s what God does. Not me.

1. I encouraged them daily. When I saw them doing something well, I told them. And I doubt if they’ve had a lot of encouragement in their lives. You can usually tell the difference between someone who’s had love and someone who hasn’t. People who haven’t usually have an angry glint in their eyes. And people who have, handle curveballs a whole lot better.
2. I wasn’t giving up on them. I didn’t walk away because they were too challenging. I just had to take a break for family and for my own academic journey.
3. I am going to be giving more of myself to the relationships and things that I have a God-given responsibility toward. My children and my husband are gifts that have been given to me, by God. And my first responsibility is toward them. As much as I care about the well-being of my students, I know that my children are mine. My students will move on with or without me.
4. My students seemed good when I left them. They’d shown improvement. They seemed at ease with the new routes they’d be taking. They wished me luck and asked when I’d be back, but they seemed okay. And I pray they will be as they go on to their next adventure.
5. I was challenged SO much by this class and by the location. My students, some, were very difficult. And my location was in the projects of Rockford. But I grew as a result. I grew as a person. I did well. And I can never regret that.

So, it is bittersweet-this “stopping” out as we say in the GED program at RVC. But it is good. And who knows, maybe I’ll be back sooner than I think. I’ll miss some of my coworkers a lot.

Someone told me this semester, “you love the unlovables.” And I don’t know how, as challenging as some of my students were, but I did care a whole lot.